25 stratford grove

Hey folks, long time no talk.

Has summer finally arrived? Tonight I took the dog out for a last pee and could smell the freshness and the aroma of the evening. Sunset was amazing. If I was a watercolorist I would have painted it.

But im not. Im a performance artist. Maybe. Im a bit doubtful about that. By end July I must have come up with something to perform for the ZAZ (hebrew for moving) in Tel Aviv, Jerusalem and the Negev desert in August and dont really have much in my head.
Wish I was Beryl Cook and then I wouldnt need any ideas. Could just paint the local tarts.

Went to Hexham on the train today for a walk along the river with the dog. They (?) have turned it into a kiddies corner, play ground for girls dressed in pink riding their pink bicycles. At the far end there is the golf course. Nowhere in sight to get down to the river and just, well, play.

Im becoming aware of my need to find a space with no-one else in it and a place where I can be just unhinged.

Until next time,

Nurse Luby.

25 stratford grove

Today was Mat Cowan's performance at the Harker Building, sadly I missed it but caught the tail end. He looked very dapper in his tweed coat and white trousers with bells underneath his knees. I wondered where his horse went as he reminded me of a jouster.

It is horrible today. Somebody said that in 1978 it rained in June, July and August. i think i will top myself if it goes on much longer.
The garden is sodden, the roses are drooping and the only things happy are the snails and slugs.

ive been thinking a lot about my house. Ben gave me some good ideas about the kitchen. He reminded me of tiling behind sinks and work surfaces. Id overlooked that.
Speak to you soon,
Nurse Luby.

Carole Luby at exertusexchange: first performance at 25 stratford grove 18/06/07

Carole Luby at exertusexchange: first performance at 25 stratford grove 18/06/07

first performance at 25 stratford grove 18/06/07

There will be a performance at my house and this is the flyer!

Here is the picture.

25 stratford grove

Im feeling better. Im feeling better about being here now. There is some residual anxieties about what Im taking on. And I ever so slightly recoil at what seems to be a large project. Like, am I up for it.
But Ive been encouraged by the fact that there is a performance about to take place here, the first, which is very exciting as the energy created will make the house happy to have something creative happening.
And there was a visit from .ben from amino and his mates whose names Ive forgotten already but it was good because they gave me some helpful advice about documentation and not taking things too much of a rush. Let the situation develop as some writer wrote.I cant remember his name either.
Oh well, it must be something to do with old age. And on age,funny how the juices flow more freely the older i get.
Dont get too excited.
Nurse Luby.

25 stratford grove

Im in a house loverly situated on the edge of a wood. Below is a stream sadly dirty and full of broken stuff not safe for dogs. My dog doesnt noticed the broken glass though and throws himself in with gay abandon. Walking across a bridge in the park today, he was miserably attached by an unfriendly collie dog and Oscar fell off the bridge down a ravine. Luckily nothing bad happened to him, only a small abrasion. I was terrified. He didnt seem to be.
Were discovering the local smells and exciting corners in Heaton. Theres so much rubbish around I cant believe people dont mind. I mind. I hate it. Ive never lived in such a dirty place. Even in my heady days of squatting, life was cleaner.

Im feel happy to have bought this house. It is friendly, accepting and loyal. I know it will appreciate my loving it back to health. Ive got all sorts of plans for it. Weve already made a new back yard which is very beautiful. Now we will start on the inside. Hopefully Phil will do the joists in the back room. I hope he will be in a good mood when he gets back from his holiday in Italy.
I might offer him a bottle of wine to sweeten him up.

exsertus exchange

thank you to everyone who came to the final evening at Waygood. Thank you also for your thoughtful comments on the performance and installation.
I was fed by most people; some only gave a little, others gave a lot. Some people didnt feed me at all. Perhaps for you it was maybe an overwhelming experience and very intimate. Perhaps some people thought, 'well some artist just being well, an artist!' It was certainly intimate for me. I was aware that with some people being in the space was difficult. Other people seemed to respond to the stillness and it maybe felt more comfortable for them.
Either way, I learned a lot about myself and I think the experience changed me in some ways. For example Im more grateful about what i do have and Im more impatient with myself when I demand, or make demands for more..............
Be well,
See you soon,
Carole Luby.

exsertus exchange

Its my penultimate day here in the space. ive become attached to it, although at night it gets very cold.
every evening the performance changes slightly. Today Im making it more about hunger, less about childhood sadness.
I was thinking about asking people not to speak in the space. As i find it dilutes the experience for me and maybe also for you.
But I wouldnt want to be didactic about that.
If you want to talk, talk.

Maybe see you this evening.

exsertus exchange

thanks to those people who fed me today. Being in this space i feel peaceful and calm, but always slightly apprehensive that nobody will turn up.
The use of this space has given me an opportunity to make some comments about things I dont normally consider. Like, world poverty, hunger, loneliness and the harshness in some people's lives.
I let myself out for a little wander around the block. I felt a bit guilty actually.
This industrial part of Newcastle needs some love. It is neglected and unloved. But there are people living nearby as well. I thought of how different our lives are. me being holed up for five days in an artist's space and them going about their daily lives, putting washing on the line, feeding their cats and going to Lidls to get the shopping.
Perhaps ill see somebody tomorrow.

exsertus exchange

mmmmmmmmmm; thank you for feeding me. You were generous however I dont like eating this kind of packaged babyfood. How do we expect babies to survive on that? I think it would be healthier to give them mashed or pureed banana, or cooked apples or berries. On the other hand, a lot of the fruit is imported from afar (bananas) and we now get criticised for contributing to unbalancing universal homeostasis.

Im getting used to this space. It feels like being at boarding school where I was incarcerated from the age of four until 17. How did I survive? I think by becoming self resourceful and learning how to adapt and fit in. But at what cost?

the building creaks and hums and during the night there are predators, maybe its just the boiler groaning. I laugh at myself lying in my little bed. And ask, what am I doing here when I could be out on the beach, soaking up the spring sunshine and watching the dogs playing with each other and with sticks and balls.

Exsertus exchange

No food no food today. I find Northumberland street overwhelming with food smells; pasties, meat, burgers, fries, oil, fat, fat fat.
Im not eating. Im not eating because I want to feel hungry I want to feel a little bit of what it must feel like to be hungry. I know when Im hungry and when I feel hungry I feed myself. What if there was no food to feed myself. How would it feel not to be able to feed myself.
Im away, Im away from all the food, the spending, the market place, the place where people shop, eat, drink, numb.
Im feeling like Im away. My head is heavy. My stomach is light.
I look forward to seeing you.

Exsertus exchange

Soon Im going to stop eating for a while. Not for ever, Im not starving myself but I will stop eating. Not eating is fasting. Fasting while I think about what is happening. Happening in my life, where is my life. where are you in my life. Where will you be in my life when I am fasting. I know you are there I can feel your presence. There are times when I dont eat I dont eat and I think of people who cannot eat who cannot eat because they have no food. there is no food for them to eat. I long to feed those people those people who are dying without food whose lives are taken from them because they have no food. Can you think for a moment about all the people whose lives are desperate because they are hungry. Because they have no food they are hungry and they go to sleep feeling hungry. Their hunger makes me feel sick.Their hunger makes me feel ashamed.

Exsertus exchange

Hello again. Im down, down on the ground missing being up high but happy to be down here down here where the ground is solid and the minute details of the floor are visible.

I love Ivor Cutler. Do you know some of his epigrams? This one 'Imperfection is an end; perfection is only an aim' and this one 'true happiness is knowing you're a hypocrite' and this one 'changing your pants is like taking a clean plate'

grey today grey and misty the sea mist is rolling in.....I fear for my tiny seedlings.

Exsertus exchange

Im walking round and round. Im walking to keep my heart strong. Im getting ready to walk, to walk quickly, to walk in a circle quickly, to walk so fast that my heart will expand my heart will expand into a bigger heart my bigger heart is expanding so fast and my body is exserting so much Im getting high Im getting higher Im getting higher than anybody up to the top to the top of the space to the top most corner of the space. i want to come down I need to come down its a painful drop Im dropping Im walking Im walking slower Im walking as slowly as I can now I can walk backwards walking backwards will slow me down. Im down Im slow Im slow down Im slowing down. Down Down Down Down.

Drink water...........................

Exsertus exchange

Ive had messages from people wondering if Im sad. Well, sometimes we experience sadness, particularly in a world where there is such disregard for each other and each other's experiences.
250 years on from the end of Slavery.
My thoughts on making amends:
I am sorry, is a bit glib particularly where I have been responsible for creating disharmony and insecurity in my family. The culture was different when I was bringing up children. Now I would hope not repeat the mistakes that I made then. The past is acknowledged but I have moved on. Making amends is about starting to treat myself more lovingly, and hopefully being more loving to others. I try to make direct amends when I know I have been hurtful or insensitive.

Exertus exchange

Please remember. Please remember that. Please remember that I have gone away.
Ive gone away remember. Please. I have gone away remember. Please go away, please go away for some time for some time away to be alone. Be alone and be quiet. Im quiet and alone Im quiet and alone with just me. Thoughts about my father about my mother about when I was a small child thoughts about being a small child. There wasnt a father. There was no father. My father was not at home. I went away from home. I went to another place where there was no father and no mother. It was a sad place. It was a place where I was alone and quiet and nobody saw my sadness. There is sadness but there is a safe place inside me which I will find I will find a place that is me.

Exsertus exchange

Bleakness. OBS 'Does your bleakness come from your own experience from something in your own past?
CL. It wasnt't an untroubled childhood and it couldn't be.
OBS. Why?
I had no father. i didn't know who my father was. I was told he was dead. He may..... he may have been dead. I dont know. He may have been killed in the War.
OLB. One might think that was a fantastic subject. Have you ever been tempted to explore your early life?
CL. Ive dipped into it, in a very disguised way.
OBS. But you've never been tempted to explore your father's history or life?
CL. It has become possible within the last few years, as a friend of mine took on the task of tracing him, and we discovered him very much alive and living in Palm Springs in California.'

Exsertus exchange

Talk about exchange! Talk about an exchange that was an exertion!
Im moving, Im moving soon, Im moving and Im moving to another place. Im moving to a place where I dont know the neighbours, where I dont know the trees and I dont know the little short cuts. Im moving to a place where I wont see the chestnut tree, where my jackdaws won't visit. I'm moving to a place, I'm moving.
Thank you to all the friends who have kept me company.

exertus exchange

I'm wearing a black broken-heeled show. I'm left foot barefoot. I'm growling. It becomes a roar.

There are many wild dogs inside me. My throat opens. Different sounds unleash. Im whirling round and round, stumbling, falling, catching myself, pulling myself back, focusing my gaze on the people sitting on the floor.

The roar is huge. I am terrified. She catches my eye. I'm scared. It's my anger, her anger, all our angers. Still I whirl. I want her to stop. Stop. Stop roaring at me. Stop. Please stop.

Exsertus exchange

Today I was thinking of spring nettles. Its time to get out there and reap an early harvest of bright, green nettles. Renowned as a health-boosting spring food, they provide an injection of energy after the winter and are one of my favourite wild foods. I highly recommend nettle gnocchi, served with lashings of grated cheese, as a fantastic way to celebrate your haul.If, on the other hand, you're in the mood for something more simple, you can't beat a good nettle soup. Use fish stock as a base. It will make the soup tasty robust (not fishy) Wash, blanch, drain and chop them and use them as you would spring greens.While your'e foraging, dont forget primroses, good in a cheese sandwich, or some of the fungi like St. George's mushrooms, perhaps,if your'e lucky, dark crinkly morels. Marsh samphire, shellfish, and seabeet can also be found on the seashore. Get out there. I wish I could.
I wish you all well. Im well, Im tired, Im getting tired, Im sad, Im feeling a little bit sad. Its only sadness.

Exsertus exchange

Did you see the new moon. I gasped when I caught sight of it just underneath a bank of cloud. It made my heart leap out at its beauty. The globe was dark mottle and the sliver of new was shiny steel. Today's weather was unpredictable and exciting. I lived in the Virgin Islands in the Caribbean in the 1960s. I remember the climate being hot, always hot. The only excitement came with the hurricanes. We had to batten down the hatches and keep the generator going to produce the electricity. Now I'm in a space which doesnt in any way remind me of that place but seeing the moon is remarkable. I remember seeing it in the Caribbean. It was the same moon.
My son Ben's first word 32 years ago was 'Mooooon'.
Im tired, I miss you, I will miss you again.

exsertus exchange

Today it was so cold here. I found a small dead bluetit on the pavement and imagined that it had been knocked over by the big freeze. I took it under my wing and tried to warm it up but it stared at me with its tiny eyes and pierced my heart. I feel like a small vulnerable bird. I paced the floor trying to keep warm imaging how it must be for birds who are over in the cold north east trying to keep warm like me.
Thank you for your messages - you make me feel connected.

Exsertus exchange

Do you know where Im going? Im going to a place that may be lonely and apart. I would like to take you with me. Will you be with me when Im there? Will you think sometimes of me in the space where I am going. I will need you. I will keep you in my mind. I am going to start not speaking. I will be thinking of you.I will miss you. I will miss my friends and my fellows. You will be missed. Will you miss me. You may miss me.