Exsertus exchange

No food no food today. I find Northumberland street overwhelming with food smells; pasties, meat, burgers, fries, oil, fat, fat fat.
Im not eating. Im not eating because I want to feel hungry I want to feel a little bit of what it must feel like to be hungry. I know when Im hungry and when I feel hungry I feed myself. What if there was no food to feed myself. How would it feel not to be able to feed myself.
Im away, Im away from all the food, the spending, the market place, the place where people shop, eat, drink, numb.
Im feeling like Im away. My head is heavy. My stomach is light.
I look forward to seeing you.

Exsertus exchange

Soon Im going to stop eating for a while. Not for ever, Im not starving myself but I will stop eating. Not eating is fasting. Fasting while I think about what is happening. Happening in my life, where is my life. where are you in my life. Where will you be in my life when I am fasting. I know you are there I can feel your presence. There are times when I dont eat I dont eat and I think of people who cannot eat who cannot eat because they have no food. there is no food for them to eat. I long to feed those people those people who are dying without food whose lives are taken from them because they have no food. Can you think for a moment about all the people whose lives are desperate because they are hungry. Because they have no food they are hungry and they go to sleep feeling hungry. Their hunger makes me feel sick.Their hunger makes me feel ashamed.

Exsertus exchange

Hello again. Im down, down on the ground missing being up high but happy to be down here down here where the ground is solid and the minute details of the floor are visible.

I love Ivor Cutler. Do you know some of his epigrams? This one 'Imperfection is an end; perfection is only an aim' and this one 'true happiness is knowing you're a hypocrite' and this one 'changing your pants is like taking a clean plate'

grey today grey and misty the sea mist is rolling in.....I fear for my tiny seedlings.

Exsertus exchange

Im walking round and round. Im walking to keep my heart strong. Im getting ready to walk, to walk quickly, to walk in a circle quickly, to walk so fast that my heart will expand my heart will expand into a bigger heart my bigger heart is expanding so fast and my body is exserting so much Im getting high Im getting higher Im getting higher than anybody up to the top to the top of the space to the top most corner of the space. i want to come down I need to come down its a painful drop Im dropping Im walking Im walking slower Im walking as slowly as I can now I can walk backwards walking backwards will slow me down. Im down Im slow Im slow down Im slowing down. Down Down Down Down.

Drink water...........................

Exsertus exchange

Ive had messages from people wondering if Im sad. Well, sometimes we experience sadness, particularly in a world where there is such disregard for each other and each other's experiences.
250 years on from the end of Slavery.
My thoughts on making amends:
I am sorry, is a bit glib particularly where I have been responsible for creating disharmony and insecurity in my family. The culture was different when I was bringing up children. Now I would hope not repeat the mistakes that I made then. The past is acknowledged but I have moved on. Making amends is about starting to treat myself more lovingly, and hopefully being more loving to others. I try to make direct amends when I know I have been hurtful or insensitive.

Exertus exchange

Please remember. Please remember that. Please remember that I have gone away.
Ive gone away remember. Please. I have gone away remember. Please go away, please go away for some time for some time away to be alone. Be alone and be quiet. Im quiet and alone Im quiet and alone with just me. Thoughts about my father about my mother about when I was a small child thoughts about being a small child. There wasnt a father. There was no father. My father was not at home. I went away from home. I went to another place where there was no father and no mother. It was a sad place. It was a place where I was alone and quiet and nobody saw my sadness. There is sadness but there is a safe place inside me which I will find I will find a place that is me.

Exsertus exchange

Bleakness. OBS 'Does your bleakness come from your own experience from something in your own past?
CL. It wasnt't an untroubled childhood and it couldn't be.
OBS. Why?
I had no father. i didn't know who my father was. I was told he was dead. He may..... he may have been dead. I dont know. He may have been killed in the War.
OLB. One might think that was a fantastic subject. Have you ever been tempted to explore your early life?
CL. Ive dipped into it, in a very disguised way.
OBS. But you've never been tempted to explore your father's history or life?
CL. It has become possible within the last few years, as a friend of mine took on the task of tracing him, and we discovered him very much alive and living in Palm Springs in California.'